Heaven

Heaven is an expansive, otherworldly region where those whose deeds effectuated in the carnal world were enough to please the all-benevolent Yahweh are sent to be rewarded with the incomprehensible inhuman horror that is eternal life. The population of Heaven is extraordinarily small compared to that of Hell, and contrary to what Abrahamists might tell you G-d doesn’t actually care about religion affiliation or virtuosity and simply selects candidates for entry into His Kingdom based on two factors: the seemingly incalculable status of their content being ‘better’ which has puzzled empiricists and data scientists since the beginning of time, repeatedly raising the question: “than whom’s?”, and the amount of pure, unadulterated seethe they’ve generated from other people within their lifetimes, said ‘seethe’ being absorbed and accumulated into the perpetrator’s soul chakra for G-d to gauge them as worthy of Heavendom or not upon death. It is actually not exactly known what life in Heaven is like, but the most common theory is that residents “flourish - which probably happens to be the fate shared by the outstanding examples of sheer human excellence listed below.

List of people currently flourishing in Heaven

• Scientist Toilet
• Elliot Rodger
• Twomad
• Douglas Spink
• George Floyd