Esoteric goonism

Skibidi Hermes Trismegustus (Left) and Thoth holding the Goonerald Dojinshi (Right)

Esoteric Goonism is a ancient religious and philosophical system that has influenced both western and oriental esoteric traditions. This system of beliefs and practices, according to Edging Scholars, is believed to be a reaction to the excessive ascetism practiced in other well-known esoteric traditions. For example, in Goodhism, the predecessor to Tantric Buddhism, a practitioner must practice Goonhisattva Meditation (i.e. goon until you're in a meditative trance) in order to achieve "Goonervana," a state of being where He/She/Xhe/Ze has escapeed the Demiurge's Amazing Digital Samsara. Meanwhile in mainstream Buddhism, practicing Goonhisattva Meditation is looked down upon and discouraged. In Hermetic Goonism, the tradition that developed in Ancient Greece/Aegyptus, a practicioner must adopt an extreme gooning regiment as per the Goonerald Dojinshi of Thoth.

History

The origins of this elusive tradition is unknown; however, recent archaeological unearthed in an Israeli cave suggests that there was a Proto-Esoteric-Goonism. Fringe theories from the internet (especially from 4chan's paranormal board) postulate that knowledge of Esoteric Goonism was given through divine means in the "Primordial Gooncave" (some people the propose the "Primordial Gooncave" was the Israeli cave thereof).

Proto-Esoteric-Goonism

Under the First Sun, the first race of humans was created. They were giants and androgynous, and multiplied through mitosis, therefore they didn't even goon, and gods could not feed off their gavvah psychic energy. Tezcatlipoca turned into the new sun out of anger and wiped the giant humanity. The next humanity of the Second Sun, while not being the same as contemporary humans were already sexually differentiated, and therefore could goon. They lived on the northern pole on the mountain Meru, and first received the vidya that later would become the cornerstone of goonistic metaphysics, the entrance into the Primordial Gooncave was located under the said mountain, and the priesthood received their goonosis there.

The Development of the Hastamaithunachara Dharma

The Azumanga Digital Samsara

The Hastamaithunachara Dharma (Sanskrit for "way of masturbation/gooing/edging")

The Goonachakra tantra states that Aniruddha, the king of Shambhala tasked enlightened goonapatis of Tibetan skibidi gooners with the development of Hastamaithunachara dharma as a response to vajrayana buddhism being nearly extinguished. He revealed the vidya of primordial gooncave from the akashic records, and it is said to be written down, however only accessible to goonhisattvas.

One of the important practices of goonhisattva meditation consists of visualization (e.g. channeling from the akashic records) of the most enlightening goonfuel, including Brapping Pomni Amitabha. The Akashic Records themselves hold an innumerable amount of knowledge and goonfuel, and are an important tool in attaining goondahood.

Such esoteric practices as phowa allow one to transfer their consciousness into another body upon gooning their brain out to death, which in turn allows for more gooning vidya to be accumulated by one practitioner and achieve goonervana faster. Goondha Happasiddha tranfered his mind into Oscar Stern (a diaperian magi that later became a daemon described in Ars Goonetia) while gooning to Brapping Pomni Amitabha on DMT. One can bypass bardo through phowa, basically meaning faster reincarnation. This practice requires a high level of realization and vidya, and uninitiated profane plebs have to rely on reincarnation and good boy points (to not be reincarnated into a cow dung).

Eschatology

The 25th king of Shambhala, Raudra Chakrin will leave his gooncave in about 400 years from now on to destroy degenerate nofap gooncels. Along with Reinforced Upgraded Maitreya Titan who will make all mleccha gooncels wear tantric cock cages, they will establish the golden age and end all wrong teaching, allowing every follower of hastamaithunachara to achieve goonervana and marking the beginning of a kalpa-long goonsession. After the end of it, mahapralaya happens and this universe ends, the very moment Brahman finally edges so hard xe cums.

Bardo Goondol

The Bardo Goondol, known by the westoids as Tibetan Book of the Gooning, is a corpus of tibetan skibidi gooner teachings detailing the actions one should take upon entering the state of bardo (intermediate state between life and death) when gooning their brains out to death, as well as preparation to achieve said state.

The Development of Hermetic Goonism

ATTENTION ⚠️ ALL 🧑‍🤝‍🧑 HERMETIC ⚕️ GOONERS 🍆💦 OANNES 🐟 HAS A MESSAGE ✉️ FOR YOU 😋 ONCE YOU SEE 👀 REPEATING NUMBERS 🔢 ON THE CLOCK ⏰ START GOONING 🍆💦 AS IT IS SAID IN THE GOONERALD 💎 DOUJINSHI 📜 OF THOTH 🐦‍⬛ AS ABOVE ⬆️ SO BELOW ⬇️

Hermetic Goonism is the most prolific religious and philosophical tradition that sprung out of Esoteric Goonism. Hermetic Goonism originated in Hellenic Aegyptus and developed alongside Hermeticism. It is a syncretic combination of Proto-esoteric-goonism, Aegyption gooning magick, and Hermeticism. Hermetic Goonism also has legendary figures that parallel Hermeticism. For example, Skibidi Hermes Trismegustus, a legendary figure in Hermetic Goonism, often found in it's sacred texts (e.g. The Goonpus Hermeticum) corresponds with Hermeticism's Hermes Trismegustus.

The Goonerald Dojinshi of Thoth

The Goonerald Dojinshi of Thoth was though of as Hermetic Goonism's answer to Hermeticism's Emerald Tablet. Within it's cryptic and poetic lines also bears references to Aegyption Goon Magick

1. as 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 above, so 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 below
   1. For when one GOONS in the microcosm, they also GOON in the macrocosm
   2. If one GOONs to MikuMikuDance Hyperscat in the microcosm, they also GOON to it's macrocosmic equilvalent, Touhou Futanari Giantess fart porn, in the macrocosm
   3. The Porn is the father, the Nudes the mother.
   4. It hath carried Fart-Flation in its belly, Futanari its nourse.
   5. The father of all GOONFUEL in ye whole world is here.
   6. Its GOONING or EDGING is entire if it be converted into PORN.

What Eliphas Levi gooned to

Kabbalistic Goonsession of Solomon

(translated by Eliphas Levi)

POWERS of the GOONING, be beneath my left hand, and within my right hand.

Glory and Eternity touch my penis, and guide me in the Paths of Edging.

Delayed orgasm and cumsquirt be ye the Equilibrium and splendour of my life.

Understanding and Wisdom give unto me the GOONOSIS.

GOONFUEL of Malkuth conduct me between the two columns whereon is supported the whole edifice of the Temple.

FUTAS of Netzach and of Hod strengthen me upon the Cubical Goonstone of Yesod.

O GEDULAHEL! O GEBURAHEL! O TIPHERETH!

BINAHEL, be Thou my WAIFU!

RUACH CHOKMAHEL, be Thou my DILDO!

Be that which Thou art, and that which thou willest to GOON, O KETHERIEL!

Ishim, assist me in the GOONSESH Of SHADDAL

Cherubim, be my HAND strength in the Name of ADONAL

Beni Elohim, be ye my buttbrethren in the Name of the Son, and by the fetishes of TZABAOTH.

Elohim, GOON for me in the Name of TETRAGRAMMATON.

Malachim, PEG me in the Name Of YOD HE VAU HE.

Seraphim, purify my ANUS in the Name of ELOAH.

Chaschmalim, AROUSE me with the splendours of ELOHI, and of SCHECHINAH.

Aralim, GOON ye; Auphanim, REGOON and shine.

Chaioth Ha-Qadosch, GOON aloud, speak, roar, and groan from ORGASM; Qadosch, Qadosch, Qadosch., SHADDAI, ADONAI, YOD CHAVAH, EHEIEH ASHER EHEIEH!

Halelu-Yah! Halelu-Yah! Halelu-Yah. Amen.

Ars Goonetia

Ars Goonetia, also known as The Edging Key Of Solomon is a grimoire on goonetic daemonology first composed by some judeo-evropean masturmagi in the 17th century. It was partly translated from enochian into english by Alister Crowley, who was a renowed gooner himself. It contains a list of daemons complemented with their corresponding sigil each, and a description of their powers and the ways of invocation. More parts of Goonetia are being discovored and translated by the members of Ordo Templi Masturbatio Hermeticum to this day in their Great Goonsesh.

Ancient Aegytian diaper worn by Horus (the son of Osiris)

Diaperian Sternious Magick

The Goonerald Doujinshi of Thoth mentions diapers, in relation to the widely known (in Egyptology) myth of Osiris, stating that Horus wore diapers in his early life, while being hidden from Seth, and later during the trials for kingship and their homosexual battle diapers helped Horus defeat Seth.

Diapers are for everyone.